


An Unexpected Champion

by ebomb12996, EllieBelly8185



Category: A Very Potter Musical Series - Team StarKid, Game of Thrones (TV), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crackfic!, crack!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 16:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13884561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebomb12996/pseuds/ebomb12996, https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllieBelly8185/pseuds/EllieBelly8185
Summary: Drunken inspiration from Game of Thrones. What would trial by combat be like with the presence of Dolores Jane Umbridge?





	An Unexpected Champion

“I demand a trial by combat!”

 

Hundreds of miles away and worlds apart, Dolores Jane ‘Man Eater’ Umbridge heard his plea for a champion to be sent. Adjusting her hefty pectorals and taking up her Mamma’s love handle she apparated to Westeros.

 

“I am WOMAN hear me SMAASSH!” She yelled as she arrived with a large crack into the court of Tommen (Lannister) Baratheon. Not since Brianne of Tarth had King’s Landing seen such a formidable woman. Cersei Lannister made a mental note to make sure that _she_ got nowhere near her brother because she knew that Jamie would jump on that no problem. It was Jamie’s **new thing**.

 

“Who are youuu?” Varys imperiously asked.

 

Had he any hair to grab, Varys would have found himself in a very serious predicament. However, as it was, Delores settled for slamming his head twice against the ornamental woodwork of the witness stand before walking towards Tywin Lannister.

 

The dyes necessary to create her outfit had not yet been invented in the primitive society of Westeros. And so, the audience was captivated by her blindingly pink ensemble among other things, I am sure.

 

As she approached the Iron Throne she couldn’t help but notice what strong shoulders Tywin had. How regal he sat on that throne—akin to the way Dumbledear sat on his throne at Hogwarts.

 

But no. Delores had promised herself that she wouldn’t think of him. Not today. Not when she was called to JUSTICE!

 

Stroking one finger down Tywin’s face, Dolores Umbridge turned in her florid magenta fuck-me heels to face the assembled nobility. “Who here called mah for a champion?”

 

Ser Meryn stood up on his fucking ass. “Madam, this is highly irregular. State your name and rank.”

 

An assembled noble person asked further “And your gender?”

 

In three large bounds, she was in front of the audience member and had grabbed the audience member by her skinny little throat. “I AM WOMAN HEAR ME SMASH!” Umbridge replied, incensed while lifting the woman off the ground, spinning her in the air like a major league pitcher before releasing the poor noblewoman through the stain glass window above Cersei’s head.

 

The only thought going through Tywin Lannister’s head was “Damn, that’s a woman. I MUST have her.”

 

“My fair lady, you have established your point well.” Tywin said with hearts in his eyes.

 

The three Lannister children looked at each other in alarm—for the first time in their lives feeling united against a cause. This **could not** happen!

 

“Father, back to the charges against Tyrion…” Cersei attempted to change the focus of the court.

 

“Hmm? Oh yes. Tyrion, what do you have to say in your defense?”

 

“I demanded a trial by combat, bitch”

 

Suddenly, a large hand made contact with Tyrion’s face. “You do not use language like that around a woman!” Umbridge stated ferociously.

 

“Forgive me if I’m a little tense, the woman I loved just betrayed me.”

 

“Oh my god! Me too! I can’t even believe it!” Delores yelled, remembering her own dalliance with Dumbledore. She gathered Tyrion close and wrapped securely in the pink baby Bjorn that she kept on her person at all times. “It’s okay now. I’m gonna be your Mamma. And Mamma’s fight to the death for their chil’uns!”

 

Tyrion, although highly offended, had never felt more secure in his entire life. He snuggled in and closed his eyes, asleep in minutes.

 

The next thing he knew, it was trial by combat day.


End file.
